Trusting God and being a worry wort

Ya know, I'm so excited about becoming a mother. This whole process is so amazing. Of course it is, right? God created it. You start out with this teeny tiny little thing inside of you that you hardly even realize is there. And it starts to grow and as it grows, your love for it does too. And when you start to feel the baby wiggling around in there, it makes it even more real and so amazing that you have this wonderful little baby growing inside of you. I know people say that you never knew you could love someone this much but I don't see it quite the same. It's like, I never knew I could love someone without first getting to know them. And, I guess, I am getting to know him. But in a very different way.

And, I guess that's why I don't ever want to have to leave him. Not for one second, much less for 8 or 9 hours a day. I can't imagine the day that I'll have to go back to work. I want to have faith that God will provide for us and I won't have to go back to work after having the baby. I just don't think that is a possibility. I pray that it is though. Sometimes, I just don't think I have enough faith. And, I know that is where God comes in. I'll never be good enough, have enough faith. That's where He gives me what I can't give myself. He gives me enough faith to get through everything I'm going through. Sometimes I get sidetracked. I focus on so many other things besides what I need to be focusing on. God.

I know. I'm rambling about everything. I just had to put into words what I'm feeling. I want so bad to be able to be a stay at home mom. But, where we stand right now, I definitely can't. The farm isn't making money and we are just getting by, by the grace of God. When the fall vegetables start coming in and Todd is selling them at the farmer's market, then things may change. But Todd isn't going to just take a leap of faith before any of that starts to happen. And, I feel bad even thinking about not coming back after taking maternity leave. But, maybe things will change in the next couple of weeks. I can only hope so. It worries me so much though because I want to be able to buy my child clothes if he needs them or whatever. I am so worried but I know I'm only stressing myself out this much because I'm pregnant. I can't just buy stuff for the baby now and I have a job. What will it be like if I don't have a job? And, I want/need to buy the baby clothes or something cute? Anyways, this is me worrying and going crazy even before the baby arrives. Thanks for listening.


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